The Stigma of Menstruation.

This is an explicit post. However, I have been struggling with this for the past 9 years and I have to voice it out. There were many days where it made me feel like “why am I even born a woman?” Some may agree to this and some may disagree but nevertheless, this is something I feel that I have to voice out. The thoughts have been lurking within me for years and it just irks me. Today, I just broke down in tears. I just needed to voice it out.


I get it. It’s not a pleasant sight to see a pad just lying there but what if it was wrapped in a paper and plastic. How does it even affect humans or/and the environment? There is global warming, people throw rubbish everywhere, there are still water pollution and air pollution and there are oil leakages almost everywhere in the sea now. And of all things to be worried about in this world, why do they find this to freak out about? I don’t get it. Does it even affect mother nature?

We, Women, tend to forget too. We forget to throw the pad away and perhaps, take our time to throw it away [the reason why we wrap it in a paper and plastic]. Yet when that happens accidentally, they are quick to label it as dirty and omits bad vibes during that time of the month. It’s not on purpose. They make it seem like being a woman is a curse or we’re some kind of an omen every month.

I feel that this whole “oh it’s dirty”, “oh it’s not good for the house.”, “oh the blood is bad.”, “oh it brings bad luck if someone sees it.”, “Oh you can’t go into the prayer room to pray.” is utterly ridiculous. This whole concept in Hinduism wasn’t there in the first place. How did this come about? What happened during the days before pads were even made?


We, Women, were born this way and we didn’t ask for it. Nobody can justify or argue this fact.

It’s natural for us to bleed and we are not dirty. I’m the type whom emphasises on hygiene and cleanliness but i strongly don’t support the fact that we, women, are treated like we have some kind of disease. It’s not fair. This is normal or at least be taught that it is normal.

In this generation, parents should come to a understanding that we also have our days of exhaustion and tiredness, we tend to forget. It’s not on purpose. Of all people, mothers supposed to be understanding. If i had a daughter, i would certainly educate her on personal hygiene but neither am i going to treat her differently nor make her feel ashamed for who she is if she accidentally didn’t dispose her menstrual pad.

Stop being stuck at the stigma of women’s bleeding, their pads or menstruation as a whole. Support your daughters, sisters, friends, girlfriend. Support them instead of putting them down. Stop making them feel disgusted of themselves. We are already in so much of pain and emotion during the time of the month. We have the tendency to explode in emotions. Stop adding on to it.

So what if your sons or the neighbours see a pad? So what? Is this out of the norm? Why don’t you’ll teach your sons that this is normal? This is something sacred and it’s not dirty. It’s just really hurting for us of how brown parents just behave a certain way. You’ll shouldn’t make us feel embarrassed about.

Just because we were born as a Woman, we have to behave a certain way or do things a certain way. I am not advocating the fact that we should let the pads on the loose everywhere in public purposely but all i want to say is that stop reacting negatively.


Trust broken

Rebuilding trust when it’s been broken is not dependent only on the person who has broken it, or how many times they can prove they are honest. It depends on the person who has decided not to trust anymore. Though they may be totally justified in their decision not to trust, as long as they choose not to, the relationship has no hope of survival and should be ended. If or when they decide to trust again, there is hope reborn – Doe Zantamata

This quote is 100 percent true. Trust rebuilding is not the duty of one person but two person regardless whether it is family, friendship, relationship or anyone. It is easy to break someone’s trust within a split second but it is near to impossible to gain back the same trust.

However, it’s unfair for someone to break a trust and expect the other to trust them back the next moment. Whereas, it is also unfair for someone to keep pushing away the other for trying to gain back their trust. All i’m trying to say is; Trust is a two-ways street. It only works when two parties work together. If i am expecting it from you, you can expect 100% from me as well.

It is going to be tough to rebuild the trust because i’ve been bashed up mentally and emotionally by uncountable people in my life that the impact has been etched on till today. With that said, i also blame myself for putting myself in such positions for others to break my trust i have for them. If i trust you, it’s a big deal. If you break it, i can’t help you.

The fear (of getting hurt and stop believing your loved ones) just keeps building up to a point where i started protecting my loved ones from breaking my trust because i know that it is going to be so difficult for me to believe them again. I have self-awareness and i know myself very well. It was not easy for me then and it is not easy for me now. but i hope it would be easy for me in the future.

One person, just one person in this world to prove me wrong that not everyone is the same. That one person who knows I am emotional, sensitive and vulnerable and I hurt easily and that person will never hurt me or take me for granted. That person can be someone from my past, in the present right now or maybe in the future but all i want is to be proved wrong.

However, it is also my part to give chances but what if i gave in so much already? Thus, I am going to doubt, i am going to fear. But i know that one day, i’ll be able to overcome my trust issues. I will also make the effort but it is going to be difficult. It’s not going to be easy.



Everyone goes through different kinds of pain in their lives.
Everyone has a story to express.
But I have no story.
Perhaps, I do.
But I just don’t know what is my story.
I get lost in my own musings.
And what keeps me alive?
My family,
The one I love.

I still feel suicidal at times.
The loudness of those voices in my head,
it’s unbearable.
Every night is a struggle.

Thereupon, I think of you.
I feel better.
The voices stop.

This time,
Last year,
I had no reason to my life.
This year,
I do.

But I could hear myself internally screaming.
The demon within me.
It reprimands me.
“You are not living for anyone.
You should just not live anymore.”
The constant battle between me and my demon
is getting out of hands day by day.

I am afraid that one day,
My demon might conquer my soul.
What if that day,
The oxygen that I’ve been gasping for
would defunct my breathing forever?

At odd times of the day,
I become breathless.
My heart gets heavy.
Often anxiety attacks.
Waking up to teary-stained pillows.
Some days, I get so dependent on sleeping pills.
I would have cravings for alcohol.
My worst craving: to hurt myself.
It became an addiction.
At this very moment, I’m craving for it.
I’m controlling.
It just gets tougher.

I thought I’ll overcome this soon.
But it’s never ending..
I do have lifelines to go to for help.
But I just don’t want to disturb anyone.
Different people has different perspectives of advices.

I can’t even help myself.
How would someone help me?
I can’t fix myself.
How would someone fix me?

I get a little satisfaction when I help someone.
It makes me feel that at least
I have the ability to aid someone’s pain.
It is a priceless feeling.
I’m a complicated paradox.

– H.

The world i would rather be in. 

A place where i would rather be at with me, myself and I..
The sound of  the ethereal waves will give me chills which passes through my veins…
The wind blows as I slowly drown myself into my own world..
It would leave my whole body numb with an icy cold feeling..
As I close my eyes, I would see a world I would rather be in..


The reality of life.


Everyone wants a group of friends to hang out with but only some are gifted to have real ones. Many people in this world yearns for a real friend than popular friends. Some deserves the real ones and some don’t.

At worse situations, you only got yourself as your own friend. (In other words, you are your own hero.) At every phases of our lives, we meet different kinds of people. Some might be your enmity and some might be your real friend. What matters most is those who stayed during your tough times and helped you to get back up when you fell into the lowest point of your life. Friends who counts you as their friend as well. Friends who make you feel special. Friends whom you call family. Friends whom you know that will never leave your side despite all your flaws. Friends whom guides you and loves you for you are. Friends whom appreciated your presence and misses your absence. Friends whom knows what are your emotions. Friends whom scolds you. Friends whom shines your talents. Friends whom supports you. Most importantly, friends whom are there during your darkest moments.

Every human goes through the phase of trust issues. but not everyone overcomes it. It’s a difficult process. Some understands it and some don’t. I have been going through trust issues since i was in middle/primary school and it’s never ending. I am still finding for that light. The light of hope where i would overcome it. I still have that hope.

In every phase, we gain something. Experience. We gain experiences which changes our lives forever and the reason for who we are right now.

I’ve experienced the both sides of reality. The human interactions and the solitude. I prefer the latter. It’s the world of yours. The world i would neither encourage people to be nor i would want to be. Yet, sometimes that’s the best world. You’ll learn to love yourself more than anyone in this world. You’ll learn to respect your self worth. You’ll learn to be independent. The beginning process would be heart aching but you’ll get used to it.

The worse situation to be in is when you are surrounded by people and friends around you yet feeling so lonely. You would rather be alone than feeling lonely. It is definitely hurting to see people not caring about you when you’re slowly sliding away from them. It is like they want you to leave from the start. It’s hurting when you have nobody holding you back. BUT don’t worry, there is hope. The hope is you. You have yourself.

To be honest, there are days i cried due to the wrong friendships i’ve been part of. I hate to say this, but i regret at times for choosing the wrong people. I hurt myself. I’m not saying those who were my friends are evil. Maybe we are just not meant to be. I lose more friends in every phase of my life than grades hahaha. I don’t know if i should be happy or sad. But i gave up in the whole idea of friendship. I’m 20 now and the hope in friendship actually died off. The reason why i chose solitude. I am more concerned about the memories i want to treasure with amazing people.

The past one week two things happened. It was a rough week. I was the victim who played a huge role but i definitely learnt a lot. I never regret that the two incidents actually happened. It was an eye-opener. I thought life would be different after i turn 20. Yes, life is different but not the kind of different i expected to be. I am pretty sure it’s going to be even different after this as well.

I have been going through a lot lately for the past few months. I have been holding back a lot and staying strong for myself that even my family doesn’t know. I am still struggling to get through of what is going on within me. I have been constantly fighting my demons. Days like this, i’ve always yearned for atleast one person to be there throughout but the truth is, i don’t have friends. Everyone is equal to me today. Acquaintances. I feel like a sore loser at 20 for this. But life moves on right? I realized that i am my own hero. Nothing is going to change that.

Sometimes, i hope that at least one person holds me back from falling into the world of solitude. In reality, that’s ain’t going to happen. People don’t care. People have their own lives to care about(or maybe other friends to care about). At the end of the day, i have to help myself. If i don’t help myself? Who will?

I can’t come with words whether solitude is a good idea but definitely problem-free. You don’t have to go through friends who suspects you when you’re the victim. You don’t have to answer anyone. You don’t have people to question you anything because they have no rights to. You don’t have to go through trust issues all over again. You don’t have to go through a situation where you want their support. You don’t have to go through a situation where they would say ‘We did a lot for you’ when actually you also helped them in one way or another. You don’t have to rely on anyone. You don’t have to feel like a left out. You don’t have to try to fit in or keep up when you’re feeling left out. You don’t have to go through arguments and fights.

Sometimes, solitude is like an open door for the future to the people who were really meant to be in your lives and something better is coming in your way. AT LEAST, that’s the hope i have for myself. I know i’ll get through this phase. I know it’s going to be difficult. Like i said, it an experience. Some day, this will make me even stronger. However, i am contented and occupying myself by doing what i love. Its a good distraction and happiness comes sacrifices and hard work. I’ve learnt to be myself no matter what happens. I would never want to lose Hamsavalli Dorairaju for anyone. She is who she is because of me. Part of me is apologetic to her for bringing her into certain messes but i never regret for showing her what the real world is and letting her gain experiences. Whether is it good or bad, she never wants lose herself for any situation again. With that said, I dedicate this post for the ones who are going through the same thing or even worse. I hope this post helped to cheer you all up. You are not the only one 🙂

You don’t have to be alone. You can still be that normal person you were/are with everyone. Go and meet up with someone whom you’ve never met for a long time. Have a drink or lunch. Have a nice chat. Make the memories count. Go ahead, continue interacting with the people who made you feel left out. Laugh around and have fun! Go and find yourself a hobby/therapy. Challenge yourself. Find the joy in that thrill. Distract yourself by engaging yourself in something you love doing. Spend time with your family. Talk to a counsellor/therapist if you feel lost. Explore new places. Meet new people. Seize the day, my friend. Because, you only have one life to live. 🙂

Mr Stranger.


It all happened in one week. How strange is it when you get to communicate with so many people and then BAM! You meet someone who you feel that maybe he might be the one. Seems silly eh? You started off as strangers by saying ‘Hello’ followed by getting to know each other. One of the conversations, you both can feel the connection. You both start stalking each other’s social media page just to get to know even more. You start contemplating in your own whirlwind of thoughts and go on denial that you are not infatuated by this particular someone. You start smiling while texting the person because you both are flirtexting (Is there such word? Lol). You both start talking about your lives and go deeper in your conversations. You both don’t have ‘Good morning’ or ‘Goodnight’ messages just like what you wanted. You don’t have to feel like you’re committed because this particular someone also don’t want it to be that way either. You just like the idea of engaging in deep conversations and flirting conversations. You feel like ‘Wow, this guy is not bad after all. He’s not like the other men.’ However, reality sucks. He would prove you wrong that he’s just like the rest of the men. How can someone text you almost every day with at least one ‘Hello!’ and suddenly not texting at all? How? It’s not fair to let a lady hanging like that. It’s definitely unfair. “Yes, you have a beautiful eyes.” That made her smile. You saw it within her eyes, and you just left her hanging like that? At one moment, you know you can’t expect so much because you both are not committed. At another moment, you know he could be the one. Somehow you accept the fact that it’s dying off and it’s time to get over this one as well.

And… It’s 12:05am.. I’m still waiting for your text…