You’re just like the rest

You’re just like the rest.

The phrase that i’m suppose to be saying. It’s funny how someone can just invade your space and find something to be defensive about. I’m actually pretty amazed how people turn out to be in the end. But as always, the blame and the bad name will come straight back to me.

I’m not here to brag that i’m innocent. I don’t have to. Please. As long as i know that i’ve had no bad intentions and all i did was to be there for others and give people a chance of their own.  If i’m giving a particular someone countless chances and yet proved me that i shouldn’t have, why can’t i just give someone else another chance as well? Look from my perspective. I wasn’t given a space to actually explain. As far as i know, i believe i never did anything wrong. I was upfront. If i wanted to hide something or do something behind someone’s back, i would have deleted every evidence. But i didn’t even do that.

I was honest. I always did. It’s just that one thing i didn’t say and i became a bad person? My loyalty is being judged? Wow okay. I’m alright with that but hearing someone say, “You are just like the rest.” I’m taken aback because the last thing i know i didn’t accuse someone for something they didn’t do which others did. I didn’t go around bitching about someone which others did. I didn’t treat someone like a slave or mistreated them which others did. Moreover, i already told the person that i’m moving on for the amount of shits i’ve put through for a year plus. The person is not changing. This is toxic for us. I’ve been affected worse than anything that happened in my life. It’s traumatising to be precise. All i did was good for others and for their own good. I literally sacrificed. I cut everyone off my life. But in return what did i gain? I was only mistreated in return and i became the evil person? I can fight for my rights. But i’m exhausted, man. Extremely exhausted.

My question: The issues were happening was between us. Where did external parties got involved and my loyalty is questioned for? This is being hypocrite. People know that they made a mistake yet they just find some reason to interrogate and turn the whole issue towards me. Why? All i asked for is to stop hurting me but i’m getting hurt again and again. People forgot the past mistakes they did to me and put the blame on me for doing the same thing? Why? Okay lets put it this way. Don’t need to be honest to me. At least be honest to yourself. Ask yourself. What you did all these while was right? What wrong did i do? Look back. Reflect.

“You won’t know someone’s value till they’re gone forever from your life. There’s no point regretting in the end.”

Sometimes, people won’t realize what you’re trying to say and what you’re doing. It’s always misunderstood but one day they will realize and it’s too late.

However, i’m going to stop right here. I’m not going to talk about what all happened to me in my life and what others have done to me. This post is a reminder for me that this is it. Everyone has a turning point in their lives. This is my turning point.

It’s my turn to think for myself than for others. I don’t care what others talk about me or even think about me. I’m way over that already. Think whatever you want. I’m bad? fine. I’ve done bad. fine. whatever. I can’t please anyone. I can’t beg anyone to stay or/and make them understand that i always had good intentions.

I’m not saying that everyone is evil and i’m good. I’m not here to prove that. I’m here pouring out my thoughts and emotions. Perhaps, my story might help other to be aware. I have made mistakes in life but if it really was my fault, i would admit it with all my heart. I have been honest and admit for my mistakes many times. But sometimes i feel like i have to voice out as well. I can’t just keep everything to myself.

I’ve been so naive. I’ve been quiet. I let others blurt out whatever they want. I’ve been putting up with people’s bullshits. That’s it. I’m done with that. That girl i was before is gone now. She’s done. I’m never turning back. I’m moving forward. I’m not going to let anyone close to me. I’m not going to get attached to someone. I’m not going to allow anyone to put the blame on me just like that. That’s not happening anymore. YOU’RE THE LAST PERSON. Hereafter, i know what to do about my life. I know how to help myself.

Now, this is the recovery stage. I’ve reached that point already. I’m ready to live a life for myself. only for me. nobody but myself. I’m going to work towards it. I’ll do whatever it takes to become a better me. I’m not going to let anyone pull me down especially the ones in my past. I’m going to be the knight of my life, fight every dragon that comes in my way and save myself. 

The truth will always win in the end. One day, i’ll rise. I’ll become someone that i’ll be proud of. That day, all these pains, pasts, anxieties, hurdles, depression and haters won’t matter. I’ll smile that day and thank each and everyone who’ve done bad to me and my obstacles because without them, i wouldn’t have taken the step forward to be stronger each day.

I believe in god. I don’t always go into the prayer room to pray. But i always pray in my heart. I never fail to do that. I know he’s up there watching over me and has plans for me. He’s just waiting for the right time to execute it. I know i have his back and his blessings always.

-H

 

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