Inner Demons

To whoever that comes across this write-up, first of all, thank you. Secondly, the topic that you’re about read is something extremely personal which i don’t favour to talk about but today, i felt like talking about it. This write-up is neither about creating sympathy nor to offend anyone. What you are about to read is about my experience and what i feel like saying in my opinion.

So here it goes, it is exactly about 7 months ago that i discovered that I am battling depression. Depression. Woah, it’s a frightening word (for me). Honestly, never did i imagine that I’ll be going through it or even writing about it in my blog. Never. You know, some things are meant to happen in life. But i got to say, it is a helluva roller coaster ride.

A short description about me: I am a shy and a socially awkward kid since young who gets bullied for my weight but was always bubbly and curious to learn about everything. However, I am sensitive and emotional but I know my mind very well. I tend to take certain things seriously but I don’t show it at times. I was a girl who wanted to change to fit in(I failed in that too. nobody still liked me.) but although I was an average kid, I eventually realized my capabilities and stop trying. My past was a nightmare(One of the reasons which lead to my depression). Some things are better left unsaid. I’ve tried so much to let go of my past but it got stuck to me like a venom. A venom which slowly crept into me and engulfed my mind and soul. Over time, I became an over-thinker. I think a lot. Every second, there is something running in my head. But you know, i have accepted myself for who i am. This is me and this is who i am. I always find ways to prevent my flaws to conquer me yet something unexpected started happening to me which i didn’t see it coming at all.

Everything was going alright in my life when i came into polytechnic. I overcame my fears, my social awkwardness(slightly) and slowly building up my confidence. I was part of a troupe which allowed me to expose into the world of arts. I have always wanted to do arts and something i have always been passionate about. Like i said, everything was going smoothly because from who i was 5 years back and now, i am thankful to god for constantly giving me opportunities to continuously chasing my dreams in something i love and gain experiences. I also got motivated to lead a healthy lifestyle and i’m slowly losing weight. I am blessed and happy. Thank you for that god. Until…

It was mid of february, I suddenly had to battle with myself; my angel or demon whatever they call that. My emotions started playing a big part in this. I suddenly felt the void in me. The pettish feeling in my stomach. I felt extremely lost within myself. There were times i would start crying for no reason.. i would run to the toilet just to cry because thereafter, i had to face many people and have to totally be okay around them. I didn’t want to portray myself as this weak person. So, i had a brave upfront at all times whether is it with family or friends. Especially my family. Being a daughter who didn’t wanted to worry her parents and to let them know that i am totally fine, i had to act at home that i am perfectly contented in life. There are days i don’t feel like waking up at all. Every morning is a struggle. I had to force myself to get up and start the day but i have no direction, no motivation and no drive to anything. I felt like a dead soul walking around.

There are days, i feel so pointless to be even alive. It’s a constant battle between my demon and me. At times, it won over me. I used to take pills to go to sleep and feeling stoned the next day. I craved for alcohol more than food. I was suffocated by my own thoughts. There are times i can’t breathe. It felt like i need oxygen. I knew it wasn’t me at all. I knew i lose myself already. I lost Hamsavalli Dorairaju. The only thing that kept me going is my passion for arts; acting, dancing and being involved in various roles in productions.

My room heard my loud mind and the toilet felt my tears. That is how my life has been going. It was during april where i came across an interview by an actress i love watching on screen whom have been struggling with depression last year. Before i even watched her interview, i still had no idea what was going on with me and i barely knew what depression was all about. So, at the end of the interview, i realized i was crying profusely throughout the whole interview. That was when i realize there was something unusual was going on with me. I lost myself. I was in denial that what i am going through is depression. So, after a few days, i met up with a coursemate at starbucks.  We were quite close then and i felt like sharing what was going on. She immediately told me to go and see the school councellor that she was going to.  I contemplated and pushed myself to go for it and help myself. That’s when i came to know Ms Carol. I went for my first session. I poured out everything. At the end of the session, i asked her, “so what is wrong with me?” and then she explained that i am going through a trauma of my past and depression. I broke down. I knew this was what i am going to hear but i was still on denial. However, i managed to accept it.

In amidst of this 7 months of hell, when i was out and about doing my tasks given, going for drama and dance class, occupying myself with a lot of commitments, i was okay. I was completely normal for about two months. I swept my feelings under the carpet because i kept myself so busy that i didn’t had to time to think for myself(which i wanted.. not complaining). I didn’t had time to go for my sessions at all. In fact, i thought i was okay already. One day, i went into relapse suddenly one night. And it continued to haunt me again. Like again, i was okay then i’m not okay. It was like a roller coaster. I was daunted all over again. I am continuously going on relapse. One of the month(I can’t remember), i went for an appointment and Ms Carol wanted me to close my chapters (which I was affected in the past) one at a time but i have no time. I have school and i have errands to do after school. When i’m free, she not free and vice versa. So, i’ve stopped going for my sessions. Moreover, last month or so, i met up with a new friend and she was talking to me about how she battled depression for three years. After hearing that, i was so happy for her that she had overcome it without any medical help and with only loved ones support. It was nice to hear and i told myself that i will get through this one day as well.

It is the 25th of October 2015. It has been 7 months already. I am still battling with my depression. I still have nobody to go to at the end of the day. And again, i’m not trying to make it seem like i’m a loner but yeah, i just don’t have anybody to go to. I don’t have much of a good support system. I’m still clueless about how to gain that support system whether is it from me or others. I still yearn for love and support. It’s not about what i have or don’t have. Depression isn’t about that. It’s kinda scary that it creeps on you any moment. For instance, i can be a room full of people but feeling lost and empty. Honestly, i would never want anyone to go through this because it’s hell.

I am very sure that there are lots of people out there who feels this way. You are not alone in this. If anyone out there who has a daughter/son or even your friend whom you know that he/she is going through depression. Please help them. They need your help very badly. Help them realize that they need help. Don’t ever mistake them for trying to get attention. No, don’t ever think like that. That is when they need you the most. They need your moral support. You don’t need to help them financially or anything. Just assure them that you’ll be there during their bad phase. Sometimes they don’t realize what is going on around their surroundings. Don’t scold them for being a pussy in the name of support or pushing them because you are not making them feel better but worse. They are fighters but every soldier in a war need his other soldiers team to fight with him as well. Depression is like a war. If possible, guide them and fight the depression away with them. Give them countless love, radiate positivity around them and make them feel important. Don’t forget to give them a big hug the next time you see them.

Finally, i’ve come to the end of my write-up. If you’re still reading this, once again, thank you for hearing me out. I just hope i will find my way out of this. In fact, i am finding myself and retrieving myself back through self musings as i can’t afford for a therapist. I hope to get love and support throughout this journey. And not forgetting, my own support. I believe that i will get through this.

P.S. If i had offended anyone in this post, please pardon me. This whole write-up was thoroughly in my opinion. After posting this, i don’t care what others going to think about me or what they are going to judge me for. Either if i talk or don’t talk about it, people are still going to judge. So why not i take the risk? Cheers.

 

H.

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6 thoughts on “Inner Demons

  1. Well said buddy.
    I am going through the exact same emotion.
    But i have not been able to take medical assistance or undergo proper diagnosis.
    I know how this feels.
    Its suffocating.
    Its chaotic.
    Its soo non-understandable.

    I mean…it feels like drowning.!
    I know how it feels..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Girl, first of all I want to thank you for sharing your story and being bold to do so! 🙂 This is something not everyone understands and you really can’t blame them for that because you yourself have no idea why you’re in that situation and how to get out of it. For someone who has experienced and overcame depression just recently which really took a major toll and hit on all areas/parts of my life, I know and believe that you’ll overcome it! I’ve been in relapse phases too and that is the most frustrating thing because you are quite sure you’ve just felt better only to start back at zero.. But what I can only say is that it’s worth the fight! Life is worth fighting for! Our families, dreams, friends are worth fighting for! Don’t give up and don’t lose hope 🙂 There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. I will include you in my prayers and today/tonight, may you feel God’s love embrace you and comfort you. He alone understands and listens when everyone is too busy to do so.. (Sorry for the long comment, I couldn’t help it :p) Live, Love, Laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for taking the time to read it and leaving behind a comment. It’s really nice of you. I would agree to whatever that you have said! Once again, thank you. Please do share this article around to spread awareness. Much appreciated, Hamsavalli D. xo

    Like

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