The reality of life.

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Everyone wants a group of friends to hang out with but only some are gifted to have real ones. Many people in this world yearns for a real friend than popular friends. Some deserves the real ones and some don’t.

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At worse situations, you only got yourself as your own friend. (In other words, you are your own hero.) At every phases of our lives, we meet different kinds of people. Some might be your enmity and some might be your real friend. What matters most is those who stayed during your tough times and helped you to get back up when you fell into the lowest point of your life. Friends who counts you as their friend as well. Friends who make you feel special. Friends whom you call family. Friends whom you know that will never leave your side despite all your flaws. Friends whom guides you and loves you for you are. Friends whom appreciated your presence and misses your absence. Friends whom knows what are your emotions. Friends whom scolds you. Friends whom shines your talents. Friends whom supports you. Most importantly, friends whom are there during your darkest moments.

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Every human goes through the phase of trust issues. but not everyone overcomes it. It’s a difficult process. Some understands it and some don’t. I have been going through trust issues since i was in middle/primary school and it’s never ending. I am still finding for that light. The light of hope where i would overcome it. I still have that hope.

In every phase, we gain something. Experience. We gain experiences which changes our lives forever and the reason for who we are right now.

I’ve experienced the both sides of reality. The human interactions and the solitude. I prefer the latter. It’s the world of yours. The world i would neither encourage people to be nor i would want to be. Yet, sometimes that’s the best world. You’ll learn to love yourself more than anyone in this world. You’ll learn to respect your self worth. You’ll learn to be independent. The beginning process would be heart aching but you’ll get used to it.

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The worse situation to be in is when you are surrounded by people and friends around you yet feeling so lonely. You would rather be alone than feeling lonely. It is definitely hurting to see people not caring about you when you’re slowly sliding away from them. It is like they want you to leave from the start. It’s hurting when you have nobody holding you back. BUT don’t worry, there is hope. The hope is you. You have yourself.

To be honest, there are days i cried due to the wrong friendships i’ve been part of. I hate to say this, but i regret at times for choosing the wrong people. I hurt myself. I’m not saying those who were my friends are evil. Maybe we are just not meant to be. I lose more friends in every phase of my life than grades hahaha. I don’t know if i should be happy or sad. But i gave up in the whole idea of friendship. I’m 20 now and the hope in friendship actually died off. The reason why i chose solitude. I am more concerned about the memories i want to treasure with amazing people.

The past one week two things happened. It was a rough week. I was the victim who played a huge role but i definitely learnt a lot. I never regret that the two incidents actually happened. It was an eye-opener. I thought life would be different after i turn 20. Yes, life is different but not the kind of different i expected to be. I am pretty sure it’s going to be even different after this as well.

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I have been going through a lot lately for the past few months. I have been holding back a lot and staying strong for myself that even my family doesn’t know. I am still struggling to get through of what is going on within me. I have been constantly fighting my demons. Days like this, i’ve always yearned for atleast one person to be there throughout but the truth is, i don’t have friends. Everyone is equal to me today. Acquaintances. I feel like a sore loser at 20 for this. But life moves on right? I realized that i am my own hero. Nothing is going to change that.

Sometimes, i hope that at least one person holds me back from falling into the world of solitude. In reality, that’s ain’t going to happen. People don’t care. People have their own lives to care about(or maybe other friends to care about). At the end of the day, i have to help myself. If i don’t help myself? Who will?

I can’t come with words whether solitude is a good idea but definitely problem-free. You don’t have to go through friends who suspects you when you’re the victim. You don’t have to answer anyone. You don’t have people to question you anything because they have no rights to. You don’t have to go through trust issues all over again. You don’t have to go through a situation where you want their support. You don’t have to go through a situation where they would say ‘We did a lot for you’ when actually you also helped them in one way or another. You don’t have to rely on anyone. You don’t have to feel like a left out. You don’t have to try to fit in or keep up when you’re feeling left out. You don’t have to go through arguments and fights.

Sometimes, solitude is like an open door for the future to the people who were really meant to be in your lives and something better is coming in your way. AT LEAST, that’s the hope i have for myself. I know i’ll get through this phase. I know it’s going to be difficult. Like i said, it an experience. Some day, this will make me even stronger. However, i am contented and occupying myself by doing what i love. Its a good distraction and happiness comes sacrifices and hard work. I’ve learnt to be myself no matter what happens. I would never want to lose Hamsavalli Dorairaju for anyone. She is who she is because of me. Part of me is apologetic to her for bringing her into certain messes but i never regret for showing her what the real world is and letting her gain experiences. Whether is it good or bad, she never wants lose herself for any situation again. With that said, I dedicate this post for the ones who are going through the same thing or even worse. I hope this post helped to cheer you all up. You are not the only one 🙂

You don’t have to be alone. You can still be that normal person you were/are with everyone. Go and meet up with someone whom you’ve never met for a long time. Have a drink or lunch. Have a nice chat. Make the memories count. Go ahead, continue interacting with the people who made you feel left out. Laugh around and have fun! Go and find yourself a hobby/therapy. Challenge yourself. Find the joy in that thrill. Distract yourself by engaging yourself in something you love doing. Spend time with your family. Talk to a counsellor/therapist if you feel lost. Explore new places. Meet new people. Seize the day, my friend. Because, you only have one life to live. 🙂

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